Sunday, October 4, 2015

Looking Down from the Top




Today, I'm in one of those moods. Actually, it's been more like a week. As I mentioned in this post earlier in the week, I've had some nostalgia going on. Luckily though, I've moved past it for the most part, but now I'm dealing with another emotion. One that stems from my tendency to over-think things and tends to threaten my happiness as a result. Even my dreams have been bringing me down. In short, I'm in a funk.

Ever since I had the good fortune of securing my latest job, I've been feeling on top of the world, and why shouldn't I? I have a great job that I like, I have two wonderful kids that I love spending time with, I'm in the best physical shape that I've been in in many years, my writing career has been moving upwards since I began, and I have been checking things off my bucket list. Why then, am I feeling so down in the dumps?

I equate my current mood to standing on top of a mountain. I've been hiking it all day and I've just reached this summit. This feat leaves me feeling happy, jubilant, and exhilarated. Then--with a smile still fresh on my face--I look down, and suddenly everything changes. Just like that. In a literal blink of an eye I've gone from being on top of the world to feeling down in the pits. What happened? Looking down isn't that daunting, and besides, why does it detract from all the positive emotions I've been experiencing?

I know that I'm somehow sabotaging myself, but I don't know why. More importantly, why do I put myself through this? I know that a lot of it stems from the years that I spent with a person who has a mental disorder that completely disrupted my life. Their happiness was rare and fleeting, and it really took a lot from me over the years. Their negativity impacted my life with such magnitude that I suffered from PTSD for awhile last year.

While I know this accounts for a lot of the negative breaks in an otherwise positive life, I also know, deep down inside, something else lurks. Something inside of me wants to give up, wants to be overly-sensitive about things I shouldn't, feels like a failure, and tries to prevent me from moving forward. Am I scared of my future? How do I deal with what I'm feeling?

I think I'm going to employ a few tactics to help me deal with my funk and better recognize it when it rears it's ugly head so I can rid myself of it sooner. I've heard that finding three things to be thankful for everyday can really do wonders for positive mental energy. I'm going to start keeping a journal of this and see how it goes. Do any of you do this?

Also, I'm going to spend the next couple of days immersing myself in things that make me happy and avoid things that I know can bring me down. My hope is that by reminding myself of the good things, it will help balance out the bad. Do any of you do this either?

Additionally, I'm going to throw myself into my craft. It always brings me peace when I work on a project, and, of course, I share my world with you: my dear reader. As always, I appreciate your presence and would love your input. Email or comment me here.

Yours,

H.A.

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