Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Nostalgia





Is there anything more amazing than the human brain? Made of soft tissue instead of metal & wires, it performs a variety of calculations much like a supercomputer. Every day, our brains make decisions, plan futures, figure out details, and run us through a myriad of emotions. It's a marvel within itself, and while I love it, it can also be my biggest pain.

Let's talk about those myriad of emotions a little bit more shall we? We all know the gambit of feelings our brain instructs us to feel, and how sometimes they're a blessing, other times they can be a curse, and, on certain days, they lie somewhere in the middle. That's how I've been feeling over the last few days: in the middle.

It's probably proper that my emotions are somewhere between bitter and sweet, because I am at a crossroads in my life. I am firmly in between my past and my future. I've been planning, for quite some time, a new beginning for my life, but as far as proper planning goes, if you want to do things right, sometimes you have to take your time. That's where I am.

That time allows for a smooth transition, but it also allows my brain to deal with the past. It's important to deal with the past in order to move forward, but it's still a roller coaster of sorts. For me, it's been nostalgia. The last several days have been a wave of simulataneously feeling happy and sad. 

In everyone's life, relationships we have with other people are fluid. They change, grow, develop, and enrich us. Sometimes those relationships drift apart. While that can be a good or bad thing, depending on the situation, it still comes with a lot of emotional baggage that one is left to deal with. 

I've had plenty of interpersonal relationships with many people over the years. Some have been really great and long-lasting. Some were never meant to be more than blips on life's radar. Some have been bad and didn't end soon enough. Only one, for me, has been a mixture of good and bad that lasted a long time but ran it's course. 

Sometimes you outgrow another person, and even though you want it to be what it once was...it won't. You can try all you want to preserve what it used to be, but life moves at it's own pace and what will be, will be. Even though I recognize it for what it is now and am ready to embrace my future on my own, I'm still nostalgic for what that relationship used to mean to me. I miss the closeness, the intimacy, the things we had in common that we enjoyed doing together, and the way it felt like we were a solid unit when we were out and about doing things.

What I don't miss is the arguing, the fighting, the way we could never agree about the important things in life, how it seemsed our lives were drifting farther & farther apart, how we didn't like to do the same things anymore, and how it felt like there was a big wall between us. 

The truth is, it isn't what is used to be, it is what it is as of right now. Nostalgia wants me to forget that sometimes and throw myself back into a relationship that no longer fits me, no longer grows me, and no longer works. You can't always fix what's already broken, but maybe, just maybe, a little part of me wishes I could. I need to move on from the nostalgia so I'm going to take a few moments to remember the good things about the relationship, and then bid it farewell. 

We had some good times, you and me. A lot of good times actually, and we created something wonderful. For those things I am forever grateful. We also had more bad times, horrible times really, than good. I will never miss those, but I will take them as a learning experience. They helped define who I am now, and I like who I am now.

Thanks for the memories. Peace be with you my friend. 

Forever, H
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