- Other Apps
I think it's fair to say that I've been going through some shit these past few years, a fact that has played out here in my blog for the world to see. I chalked it up to this, that, or the other thing, but I was wrong about all of it. There were so many obvious signs: mood swings, crazy sleeping patterns, increased consumption of alcohol (ouch!), feeling stuck in a rut, relentless life reevaluation, obsession with appearance, thoughts of death/dying, etc. To say that these signs describe my life over the past few years is an understatement...I mean, this could just be a laundry list of my personal issues and I feel personally attacked, damnit.
What the hell am I talking about? Well, (cough, cough, anxious laugh) I'm talking about a midlife crisis. Ugh, there, I said it. As much as it pains me, I've been dealing with a midlife crisis. It shouldn't be a surprise, I'm a Woman of a Particular Age, after all, but it sure was to me! I mean, I've heard all about MLCs before and, even though I'm perfectly aware of the fact that I'm legitimately middle-aged, I was positive that I was impervious to middle-age and all its trappings. Ha! Haha!
So, the bad news is that I'm really, truly enmeshed in typical middle-age bullshit, but the good news is that now that I'm aware of it, I can start moving past it. I can stop trying to manically find a way to make a trip to Europe that I can't afford right now, I can stop hyperventilating about the fact that there's only one generation between myself and death, I can stop binge-drinking when I've had a crappy week, I can quit looking for a new career path, and I can stop obsessively carrying around regret for a life-I-have-not-lived.
I mean, when I sit back and think about it, my life kicks ass. I worked really hard during this whole crisis to take my life back, build a career (however minor it is), create a life that I enjoy, and start paving a path for early retirement that will allow me to have the life I always wanted. I have a great support system built of a wonderful family and amazing friends that not only enhance my life but bring so much meaning and joy into it. I'm fortunate, I'm blessed, and I'm happy. Is it perfect? Is it exactly what I had hoped for at this stage of my life? No and no, but it's perfectly fine how it is for now. After all, I have plenty of life and youth left in which to find and do the MORE.
I'm not going to lie, the past few years have been mentally difficult, so difficult. It was so difficult that I wish I would have figured out what was actually happening early on. Then again, if I had known, maybe I wouldn't have had the drive that I did to push through all the changes that DID need to happen over these past few years.
I guess everything does happen for a reason even if it doesn't always feel like it.