When You Realize You are Who You Always Wanted to Be
Over the years, I've envied a handful of women—a couple of musicians and bloggers. All talented, beautiful, smart, financially independent, and well-traveled, these ladies had a life I could only dream of and desperately longed for. If you combine this envy with long-held dreams of living in an exotic, exciting locale, and a miserable, poverty-stricken life, you have one desperate woman. The regret over my life choices hung over me like a dark, ominous cloud.
The funny thing about regret is that if it sits under the skin too long, it turns into things like depression, worthlessness, poor decision-making, and even anger. In turn, those things can lead you to turn to easy fixes; such as drinking, eating, or whatever your pick of poison is. It's a vicious cycle that feels endless and impossible to escape.
In 2018, I began to realize that if my life was going to change then I needed to change. It all started and ended with me, as far as my life was concerned, and I needed to fix it. It's been nearly seven years now since I had that revelation.
Out of the list of women I envied, one of the musicians is dead. The other has faded farther and farther into obscurity. The bloggers quit blogging. One fell off the map, and another now concentrates on social media pages that are mostly contrived and more than a bit pretentious. I'm hardly envious of any of them anymore.
As for my life, a lot has happened in seven years. I worked my ass off to move from a series of crappy, low-paying jobs into an actual career. And it's a career that I love and pays me a salary that keeps me far above the poverty line.
I escaped my miserable marriage and the poverty that came with it. This gave me freedom; control of my own finances; and drastically improved my mental health. It gave me a happiness I hadn't known since childhood.
For the first time in my adult life, I was able to move into a NICE home (not a pile of shit), fill it with nice things (yet little of it new), and buy a brand-spanking NEW car.
I started filling my life with as much adventure as I could muster between my home and a three-hour radius around it. I was able to start traveling the world and make it a regular thing.
After years of having nothing set aside for emergencies or retirement, I was able to set myself up for the retirement I've always dreamt of. I have a budget that allows me to survive and thrive, all while building for my future.
I have better and closer relationships with all the people who matter the most in my life. Their love and support have an immeasurable worth and an impact that cannot be overstated.
I finally have a life that is envious to other people, not the other way around. Not that anyone needs to be envious, it's achievable by anyone.
Yes, I truly have the life I always dreamt that I would have, and I'm the person I always wanted to be.
This period of my life feels like a dream. I couldn't be any happier or more at peace than I am right now.
Still, regardless of everything, I don't take anything for granted. I am grateful every day for what I have, what I've achieved, and the life I get to live.
I'm grateful for you, too. Thank you for being here, and for supporting me all these years. Talk to you soon, friend.
Comments